Sometimes Aspies are caught off by my blog’s title. People ask me if I am Anonymously Autistic because I am ashamed of my Autism. My long time readers know me better than than that, but some of you are new. Welcome, please allow me to explain.
I started this blog anonymously because I love my privacy, not out of a shame for my Autism.
In fact, I quickly realized that I needed to share so others could see Autism from my perspective. Some days suck, but over all I love my life and would never want to be “normal” or Neurotypical.
I generally keep to myself with personal things. Speaking about matters of the heart has never been easy for me, so I don’t. This blog became a place where I do something completely out of character – share my feelings.
For me, it is easier if the people around me don’t know my feelings or else they may ask me about them and I would be forced into unwanted conversations. I enjoy talking about my passions and other matters, but my feelings and emotions have always been sacred to me in a way.
The more I write the more confident I get in speaking about Autism. Most of my problems come from when ever I share. I hide my emotions and keep things to myself. People don’t get to know me and don’t see my Autism.
Always calm and composed (because I always run away and hide before I fall apart). It looks like I’ve got it in control. Nobody ever sees me struggle.
People say these things in the nicest ways, they have NO idea how much their words hurt or how wrong they are.
“You’re not really Autistic right? It’s a misdiagnosis?”
“Asperger’s? You are too nice you definitely don’t have that! I can’t believe it.”
“Are you sure? Have you gotten a second opinion?”
“You are NOT Autistic.”
“There is nothing wrong with you. I think you are great!”
“We’re all a little different.”
Or when you ask for accommodations for sensory troubles.
“Everyone likes natural light. Its not fair to give you special treatment.”
“I know you said you wanted to meet in a quiet space, but I think you will love this bar.”
“It’s not that bad. Look everyone else is having fun.”
“I think you can do it, if you try harder.”
“Don’t make excuses.”
Worse is when they say nothing at all. When you say something they give you a look. Doubt. I recognize it now that I’ve seen it over and over again.
The face people make when they think you are telling them a decelerate lie. It is a look that stops me cold in my tracks and is the reason I’ve stopped mentioning my Autism in face to face conversations laity.
I have a theory that if people saw a unicorn in a field of horses they would mistake it for a white horse, because they do not believe unicorns exist.
I am feeling a bit like that unicorn. People can’t see me because they don’t know that Aspies like me are out there.
A unicorn, something that challenges their beliefs. I am right in their faces and they can’t even see me.
Call me Anna. Anna is NOT my real name, but I really am Autistic. In order to preserve the most true and accurate accounts of my life, and the lives of those around me I have decided to maintain this blog anonymously. Writing is therapy, and unfortunately I am not ready to come out of the “Autistic Closet” just yet. Hopefully something that I have to share might be helpful to you in your life. With love, Anonymously Autistic “Anna”