MELTDOWNS – BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL

By Anonymously Autistic “Anna”, Badass Creative Contributor | AmericanBadassAdvocates.org >> @AnonymouslyAnnablog | contact

It’s hard to write about meltdowns, they are very difficult to describe. The most frustrating part of having one is the fact that I have very little control over it. In fact while I am having a meltdown it feels as if I have lost control of everything.

neurodiversityI become very much like a child having a tantrum, but the reality is at that point I can no longer think clearly so my cognitive abilities may not be far above that of a child as the episode comes on. I am completely overwhelmed by everything.

Many of my meltdowns are tied to anxiety.

I don’t often bang my head against walls but if I do, it is because I am in a very dark place, sick, or in pain. This is a last resort scenario, when something is too much and I just “need it to stop”.

Not encouraging this behavior just trying to shed some light on something that doesn’t get enough discussion.

Every time I have a meltdown I write a poem. Here is one I wrote a while ago.

Banging My Head Against the Wall

The worst of meltdowns.

Trapped with my own anxiety and sense of dread

swirling endlessly inside my head.

I can’t escape.

Please make it stop.

Curled up rocking my back to the wall

tears and eyeliner pouring down my face.

Stop! Stop! The panic continues

while I bang my head up

against the wall.

It’s gotten to that point

where everything falls apart.

You think I am overreacting to something small

but this is the result of holding things in

 hours, weeks, even months.

It’s always the same.

I reach my limit.

Eventually that one thing happens

and everything just becomes too much for me.

The weight I’ve been carrying comes crashing down hard.

Desperate, panicked, and alone, I am stuck beneath it.

“Get a hold of yourself! You are acting like a child!”

The words don’t help because I can’t

make it stop.

I would if I could

but this has to run it’s course.

Once the meltdown starts it overtakes me.

All I can do is run, make irrational choices, and cry.

When a meltdown hits I am lost and tormented.

You may be here with me but I am alone

and feeling helpless

drowning.


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Badass In-cog-ni-to | Anonymously Autistic 

By Anonymously Autistic “Anna”, Badass Creative Contributor | AmericanBadassAdvocates.org >> @AnonymouslyAnnablog | contact

Call me Anna. Anna is NOT my real name, but I really am Autistic. In order to preserve the most true and accurate accounts of my life, and the lives of those around me I have decided to maintain this blog anonymously. Writing is therapy, and unfortunately I am not ready to come out of the “Autistic Closet” just yet. Hopefully something that I have to share might be helpful to you in your life. With love, Anonymously Autistic “Anna”

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