Badass In-cog-ni-to | Anonymously Autistic
Call me Anna. Anna is NOT my real name, but I really am Autistic. In order to preserve the most true and accurate accounts of my life, and the lives of those around me I have decided to maintain this blog anonymously. Writing is therapy, and unfortunately I am not ready to come out of the “Autistic Closet” just yet. Hopefully something that I have to share might be helpful to you in your life. With love, Anonymously Autistic “Anna”
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View all of Anna’s posts on AmericanBadassAdvocates.org
- BASIC ACCOMMODATIONS – I’M NOT DISABLED BY MY AUTISM, I’M DISABLED BY UNACCOMMODATING PEOPLE
- AUTISM IS NOT MY DISABILITY
- AUTISTIC CONFESSIONS – IN HIDING
- AUTISTIC CONFESSIONS – FEELING STUCK – RUNNING AWAY
- TOO MANY FACES
- MELTDOWNS – BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL
- School Was the Hardest thing About Growing Up Autistic
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- I’m AlrightMy dear readers and friends. I am alright, but must take a break. With love, Anna
- Autistic Confessions – In HidingI've been in hiding. Desperately trying to conserve the energy that I have left at the end of the work day. Being in an offices is extremely hard, despite having kind coworkers. At the end of the day my head is pounding and my energy is drained, leaving little left for more pleasant things. Hidden away from the world, I turn down almost every invitation. Navigating the social aspects of my workplace leaves my social mussels overworked. I've push almost everyone away because I literally can not handle anyone or anything extra at the moment. I've stopped checking my personal email. There are so many emails and so much information being shared at work. I get to the point where I just need all input to stop. My brain has become bogged down and slow, as I try to process my days when I get home. My brain is like a sponge, it sucks up everything until it is drowning and oozing. Covered and dripping with too much information this most important organ can no longer function, so I shut it off, preventing meltdowns. This is burnout, this is me in self preservation mode. I am holding on but some days I am barely here. I try very hard to always stay positive because I know sinking into a depressing would be the worst thing for me at this point. In the meantime it's many solitary walks in the woods, counting my breaths, less commitments, and as much creative down time as possible. That is why I have gone into hiding, reclusive, in quiet stillness. I've got to take care of myself, there is nobody to do it for me.
- Don’t Domesticate MeI don't want to be domesticated. Chained to a home and a mortgage. Having a job is a necessary evil, although I am painfully aware many WISH for the chance to work. The endless cycle. Work. Work to pay for the house. Work to pay for the things. The house you cant enjoy and the tings you don't really need. Spend all your time working. Living just to work. Careers don't suit me. I walk to my own beat. Walking alone, quiet, with nature. Walking for hours by the stream. Someplace comfortable and calm Maybe one day there will be time. When I no longer have to work.
- Autistic Confessions – Feeling Stuck – Running AwayThere are times when my anxiety takes over, these are the days when I feel stuck. There is so much to do and too many things depending on me. Looking around at the mass before me, my life seems completely overwhelming. There is too much to do, where do I even start? I am so stuck. I get lost, perfectionism takes over, or my inspiration simply vanishes. Being productive becomes impossible but in not being productive I am only making my life worse. The endless loop of chores and work bury me alive and I can't get out. Drowning in all of it. Adulthood, responsibilities, work, family, people who depend on you. Some days I just want to run, run away. Maybe if I run far enough, if disappear without a word in the night, I will escape my troubles. What troubles would I leave behind? So much suffering for the people who love me, who need me. Still I fantasize about starting over, vanishing without a trace.
- Too Many FacesI realize that I haven't really spoken about something that has a huge impact in my life. Its something a lot of us take for granted. Most people look at a face and know what it means but when I look at faces I am most often confused.
- Autistic Confessions – Email AnxietyTo my beloved readers, I feel I must confess something that a few of you may have noticed - I have email anxiety.
- Meltdowns – Banging My Head Against the WallIt's hard to write about meltdowns, they are very difficult to describe. The most frustrating part of having one is the fact that I have very little control over it. In fact while I am having a meltdown it feels as if I have lost control of everything. I become very much like a child having a tantrum, but the reality is at that point I can no longer think clearly so my cognitive abilities may not be far above that of a child as the episode comes on. I am completely overwhelmed by everything. Many of my meltdowns are tied to anxiety. I don't often bang my head against walls but if I do, it is because I am in a very dark place, sick, or in pain. This is a last resort scenario, when something is too much and I just "need it to stop". Not encouraging this behavior just trying to shed some light on something that doesn't get enough discussion. Every time I have a meltdown I write a poem. Here is one I wrote a while ago.
- School Was the Hardest thing About Growing Up AutisticI was in special education when I was young (early elementary school) and had tutor a few years later. I was a b-c (sometimes d student) with poor social skills. However, I still feel I was "smart" just not smart AT school.
- Please Read Autistic Perspectives This Autism Awareness / Acceptance MonthAs you may or may not know April is Autism Acceptance / Awareness Month and this year I am putting out a plea that everyone read, share, and encourage anyone talking about Autism to read blogs, watch videos, and learn from actual Autistic people – not big organizations like Autism Speaks. If you are an … Continue reading Please Read Autistic Perspectives This Autism Awareness / Acceptance Month →
- Autistic Confessions – I Hate Phone CallsPhone calls have always given me anxiety but did not know why until I really looked at myself. For many years all I knew was being on the phone, unless with someone I am close with, caused me great stress. I hated talking on the phone, something most girls love, but why? Since my Autism … Continue reading Autistic Confessions – I Hate Phone Calls →